A Time for Home

Take a minute. Take a few...

Like many of you, I didn’t sleep very much last night. We began the night hopeful with roasted butternut squash and a bottle of red wine. And within an hour or two after Raf went to bed, the energy began its steady descent. Going to sleep felt like a betrayal. But my head hurt, everything suddenly seemed to hurt. And listening and watching the screens and bar grafs all night long wasn’t going to help.

Unlike most nights, I fell asleep almost instantly. Deeply. Me with the cat neatly tucked into the bend of my arm, her warmth a comfort. Just a few hours later I awoke around 3 a.m. to find Kevin sitting in the dark living room, his face illuminated from the eery glow of his phone…”I think it’s over,” he said. We sat together in silence as the dark and the night quietly consumed us.

About an hour ago, a friend and a former colleague texted to see how I was doing (which I very much appreciated:). And he said, like many of us, he’d been thinking a lot about all the feelings we cycled through back in 2016. He reminded me of a letter I wrote to my team at my former company on the cusp of that new, unknowable day. I can’t actually remember what I wrote, only that I wrote it. And he tenderly told me that it had held them at a moment when they needed to feel held.

I don’t think I can write that kind of letter for you today. For some reason the gravity of everything as well as all that’s at stake, suspended in mid-air, feels too dense and heavy to break down into pieces in this moment. But just like my friend texting me the way that he did, I wanted to check in with all of you. To tell you in some small, distant way, I’m here, thinking of you…and holding you, too. And to remind you to do whatever you need to to feel held today…tomorrow, in the weeks and months ahead.

For me, my home is a place that holds me, no matter what. Keeps me safe when I’m spiraling into the madness of my own darkness, and also keeps me steady when I need to be strong and available for the ones that I love. Today, I want you to heed that call…find a place in your home to hold you. Your bed, your favorite chair, in the kitchen looking out the window, in a hot bath. Find that place…and, even if it’s just for a little bit, let it hold you.

My other friend told me this morning that today isn’t a time for having all the answers. It’s a time to feel things. To love each other. To let ourselves be loved. Without words or plans or an agenda. There will be light in the cracks soon. I hope you can find some Home today, in your space, in yourself, wherever you are. And know that I’m thinking of you…xxCb