On Being Your Own Center

A short one about Tilda Swinton, The Art Spirit, and the importance of "separating the signal from the noise."

Over the last few days, I’ve been watching a Tilda Swinton interview clip over and over. I first watched it when it popped up on my Instagram feed, after which I saved and shared it to my Stories. After intently listening to it about a dozen times, I became so entranced by what she was echoing in my brain that I hunted down the actual interview it was pulled from—a 2014 conversation at SXSW while she was promoting two films, Jim Jarmusch’s Only Lovers Left Alive and Wes Anderson’s Grand Budapest Hotel. The heart of what she said is in the audio clip I embedded below. I needed to record this mostly for myself, so I could keep listening to it…and hopefully, really HEAR this fear-shattering thing that she said on my morning walks. I recorded it also to share with you here…because it’s likely true that we all need this kind of tiny reminder, regardless of which hairy leap each of is on the verge of embarking on.

It’s about finding the courage to be yourself. Each of us. And rooting down into what that means. And, it’s prompted by Swinton sharing some beautiful bits about her longtime creative friendship/relationship with the late filmmaker/activist Derek Jarman. And, ultimately what she learned from his fierceness about drawing from a toolbox to make her OWN art, not simply following someone else’s. (Down at the bottom, I included a short but fascinating segment from The Tate about Jarman’s love of Super 8…it’s worth a watch if you’re unfamiliar with his work.)

And, so here is the heart of it, what she said that I can’t get out of my head: “Be your own center.” Or more accurately, having the courage to be yourself as opposed to emulating or chasing after what everyone else is doing. To discover this message on Instagram, where (ironically) making any sort of deviation from the dreaded algorithm or what I think could/would perform will surely lead to, IDK…irrelevance? It’s a slippery God-awful slope. Navigating the demands and “rules” of social media, especially if posting things socially is part of your work/how people find your work, as it is for me, and has bearing on how you ultimately earn a living.

Yesterday, a lovely writer came over to my apartment to interview me for an upcoming story (I will share it when it drops:), and I confessed that I was embarrassed that something I had posted recently, that I loved a lot, sort of bombed. And I was crestfallen about it. And honestly, I felt so RIDICULOUS even saying it. Out loud! To even care at all whether something gets Likes or not. It felt so superficial…So vapid. What a hack! But it isn’t…ridiculous, that is. At least I don’t really think so. We know what the science says about the dopamine effect when all the hearts start rolling in. It doesn’t just make us look good, it makes us FEEL good, too. Which can make it very hard to follow what Tilda is sharing in that interview. About having the courage to BE your own center. Or, as she shares later in the interview around minute 38, “to separate the signal from the noise.” 🤯

It’s a tough pill to swallow when you are someone who is simultaneously trying to coax out an original thought or idea but also feel the struggle or tension of HOW it can or will actually reach the people you hope it can reach. I’ve mentioned it briefly before, but I’ve been working on a proposal for the book I’m writing. I was relieved when my agent gave me a thumbs up on the concept, but as soon as I got home after we discussed it in depth, I felt this cloud cover drift in. Selling the concept and what I want to write is one thing, but then actually writing it…really writing it, what I’ve been yearning to write without any compromises…can I actually do it?

I recently spoke to Katie Dalebout for her beautiful podcast “Let It Out.” And when we got to the part toward the end where I started sharing my process starting this book, I got scared. I think she sensed it, and while I can’t recall the exact exchange, I confessed, “I just hope I have the courage to say what I really want to say…and not just what everyone wants me to say.” (I will share this one, too, when it’s live.)

Me and Katie recently recording for her podcast “Let It Out.”

Mary Carr in her brilliant book The Art of the Memoir talks a little bit about that paralyzing fear we all might have of saying what in our hearts we know is true…aka being our own center. For fear it will shock people. Make them angry or hurt. Or worse, leave us/not love us anymore (no more Likes for YOU!). She also says something along the lines of FUCK IT! and saying/writing/painting/doing the thing we know in our hearts IS our center, is in fact our job to do. Our destiny. AND who we really are…our people—if they really are our people—will understand. And cheer us on when we do.

“If you do your thing and you’re doing it for all the right reasons, and you’re really bringing yourself with you, you’re not leaving yourself outside. And you’re choosing collaborators who want YOU; they don’t want you to leave yourself outside…it comes around. And, I learned that from Derek Jarman, who just became central. And, not by chasing the center but by whipping the center AROUND him.”
—Tilda Swinton

It relates to what Swinton said, about “whipping the center around us.” But it begs the question that I have become obsessed with: If reinventing ourselves is in fact a chance to do it all over again, how honest are we willing to be to make this next shot really count?

My daughter will be six in October. And one of her favorite books lately is A Story of Keith Haring—Drawing On Walls. I’ve shared that she has a deep curiosity around art and artists…and is making a lot of her own artwork lately, too. One of the passages in the Haring book is about a book he himself found at the very start of his journey as an artist in the ‘70s/’80s. It was a book called The Art Spirit by Robert Henri. And one of the quotes included in the book, that Raffi and I talk about when we read it at night is this: “Do whatever you do intensely. The artist leaves the crowd and goes pioneering.” And I love this one, too….SO much:

“We are not here to do what has already been done.” Robert Henri, The Art Spirit.

A Story of Keith Haring: Drawing On Walls, by Matthew Burgess/Josh Cochran.

Well, social media would have us think otherwise. I cannot tell you how much I labor over this stuff, because I feel compelled to post something, like a sped-up continuous cut of me piecing together vintage Marimekko scraps for a would-be wall hanging, and thinking with obvious dread…nobody is going to give a shit about this. But then I think something else…it was fun to make this…to spend an hour with my cat on the floor playing with fabric scraps. And, I love what it turned into. So, maybe this post is for me…and that’s enough.

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A photo Raffi took recently with my phone at a friend’s birthday party. No direction…just being her own center.

Having the courage to be our own center. To not just “drive the culture but to BE the culture.” We each are a part of that…feeding it with spirit as opposed to ego (at least as often as we can:) Having the courage to be the Lone Nut OR that Lone Nut’s First Follower (who is just as courageous).

Also, someday when I hope I am doing an interview, maybe about the book I will spend next year writing, I will remember this photo and wear just a beautiful white shirt with just a few diamond rings. Yes, Tilda….YES.

So, if you’re starting a new job (or looking for one), working on a project you think could sincerely be GREAT, or feeling the pull to change up your parenting or partnering…or even just throw out all your makeup and start over…it’s okay to be freaked out. But remember your own center. And perhaps we’ll watch a Derek Jarman film or read The Art Spirit or ANYTHING that can nudge us out of an old way of doing things that are just…over.

I’m there with you…planting my feet into the earth and rooting into that new thing that is beginning. Back to the center…back to a new beginning.

Good luck with whatever it is you’re working on, I’m rooting for you. It isn’t always easy, but no matter what, we forge ahead—wash our faces. Brush our teeth. Put on some lipstick…or no lipstick at all, like Tilda. Remembering to bring ourselves with us…no matter what. xxCb

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